I know, even whilst I'm writing this I'm shaking my head over how ignorant I was to the real world. Even now I realise that I'm still living a sheltered life; rent free, no bills, two relatively okay ish paid jobs, but I still feel unfulfilled. I can't help asking myself, did I really go to university for this?
I bumbled my way through school, being a mediocre student which was due in large part to my crippling shyness - I never asked questions or spoke up in class, it was a god send that my school was so minute, in any other I would have gone completely unnoticed. My end of school exam results were a surprise to everyone - I ranked third in my class. I remember telling my favourite aunt the news of my results. Her reaction is one of my most vivid memories, as she delicately tried to explain that while she never doubted me, she hadn't quite realised that I was intelligent. I can now laugh at her attempts to dance around the fact that she'd always thought me a tad slow (I think the exact terminology was something along the lines of dippy - a safe word, she was sure wouldn't offend me). However, this conversation is quite pertinent to my life. No one doubted me as much I doubted (or continue to doubt) myself; my aunt hadn't said anything that I hadn't thought before.
It has been said many a time that you are your own worst enemy, a statement that applies to many - myself included. After my shock results college took on a whole new meaning, suddenly my life was filled with new promise. Now my desire to do media studies and various art classes wasn't 'in the plan'. I was thrust into the arms of the Oxbridge representatives who recommended histories and sciences and spoke of me getting various ologies in university. Of course my parents were incredibly proud but I remember that time of my life being a struggle, I was expected to make decisions about things that I felt I had no real control over. However, I made it through college (two years I thoroughly enjoyed) but then the next obstacle arose; what to do at university.
This was a decision that I couldn't blag my way through. This was something that plagued me for many months and resulted in many sleepless nights plus huge arguments over my refusal to settle over bed linen (my fist choice university had a double bed, my second choice had a single bed, committing to either one could jeopardise/jinx my entire future). After much debate I decided upon English Literature (and bed linen to fit a double), a class I had always enjoyed though I can't say it came easy to me. And like I said at the beginning of this post university was an amazing experience that I wish I could relive but I cant say there wasn't many tears and consistent doubts that chased me throughout the whole three years; was I doing the right course for me?
To be honest I'm still not sure of the answer to that. Now as I look back on my life so far I am very proud of my achievements but I'm still no closer to deciding what my next step will be. Will I brave it and go in search of my 'dream' job in this harsh economical terrain? Will I go back to study something else? Will I move in with friends and thrust myself into a life of independence? Will I go travelling? Or will I stay the same? Who knows, I hope that this year I do come closer to answering these questions though...
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And if I haven't bored you with my incessant and frankly narcissistic ramblings about my life then maybe you'll stay tuned to find out.
