Yesterday (which was boxing day, which is the day after Christmas I'd like to remind you) I received an email, that I'm sure many tens of thousands of people received. It was from ebay, acting like the proverbial white knight, replete with shining armour, ready to help you get rid of your unwanted gifts - gifts that hadn't even been in your possession for twenty-four hours yet I might add. But we are a people focused on making a quick buck, whilst keeping up appearances both in front of the gift-er ("Oh, I just love that poodle shaped calendar, thank you so much Great Auntie Shirley…") and maintaining that any free space in our homes is strictly kept for storing all those skeletons and not for hiding unwanted presents.
As I've written about before, the present swap is a tricky time for me; due in large part to my overly expressive, and damn right annoying, face. But what I tried to convey then and what I'd like to reiterate now, is that it doesn't stem from an ungrateful place. It's just that you can't please everyone, all of the time and sometimes the gift is more about the thought behind it and less about the actual material item.
You see, Christmas isn’t about gifts. I'll just let that sink in for a minute.
Just as Hallmark has turned Valentine's day into their marketing dream, we have turned Christmas into a consumerist nightmare (refer back to the black Friday drama).
It’s so easy to get bogged down with
materialistic yearnings and an overpowering desire to get the ‘best present
ever’ and with sale season starting pre-Christmas this year it's difficult to actually call time, reel yourself in and tuck that credit card well away. Have a word with yourself please, because in the grand scheme of things, filling up your Christmas stockings really isn’t that important.
However, saying that, I’ve had some curious, some
ridiculous, some bloody awful and some presents that make you wonder 'what were they thinking?!' over the years. To give you
some lolz over the festive ho ho ho-lidays, I thought I’d give you a rundown
of - not to sound too harsh or anything, but - the Worst Christmas presents ever… And yes, I did have fun compiling this list.
10. Any form of seasonal decoration
(A decoration that doubles as an appetiser is what I'm talking about)
Sometimes I think you can be too organised. Considering that Christmas is now over, we'll just have to wait 365 days to get the full use out of this little gem. Thanks all the same though. I'll be sure to pull this bauble down from the loft before all the others, next year.
9. Anti-wrinkle Cream
(If glossier made an anti-wrinkle cream, my proclivities may change…)
I stopped in at my local supermarket the other day to stock up on my favourite tipples when, after getting my ID out and ready for inspection, the cashier ignored my presupposition and merely told me the cost of my items. Could this woman possibly have looked beyond my baby face, acknowledged all that I'd been through (the teenage angst years, early twenty's frustrations, the transition from uni life to real world…)and thought the plastic proof unnecessary? Initially I was excited, on later thought however, I'm slightly offended. They said this would happen - that I would long for the days of lengthy inspection over my ID. Despite this I would still be offended at receiving this as a 'gift'.
8. A tin opener
(Yep, this is how I felt upon unwrapping said tin opener - a mixture of fear (that they'd cracked my on-the-go food routines) and awe (that this is just what I needed, plus it'd give my teeth some respite)
Hmmm, is this a handy gift for all of my culinary needs or a sly dig at my cooking (in)capabilities? I don't know whether to be offended or grateful.
7. Anything that requires batteries
(The most illusive of necessities)
The chances of you having batteries and having something that requires those exact batteries and vice versa, is about as likely as Nicki Minaj making any public appearance that doesn't feature some form of indecent exposure. In other words it ain't gonna happen.
6. Socks
(Thanks to the ManRepellers fashion prowess you now have a how-to for any of you nay sayers out there!)
Now this is often considered the universal 'I-didn't-know-what-to-get-you' present, but I would argue that it is just merely misunderstood and wholly underestimated. This person has given you the gift of shoe longevity. Allowing you to take your summer shoes deep into the winter months. Does it get any better than that?
5. A lumpy jumper
(Turning my back on the lumpy jumper for good, I think…)
Don't get me wrong, I love a good old jumper, but sometimes even my devotion wavers. Handmade might be de rigeur but when you're presented with something with more appendages than is strictly necessary, you have to wonder if it's time to start practising your poker face.
4. The best present ever, that doesn't happen to fit.
(AKA the Taylor Swift. There's nothing quite like getting what you've always wanted only for Kanye West to come and ruin your moment. Take comfort in the fact that there's a 97% chance that he won't be doing this to you this Christmas)
This is also known as disappointment, which is made all the worse by the fact that you've gone through the rigamarole of getting all excited with anticipation and dreams, not to mention fighting the stickiness of sellotape only to find that it doesn't bloody fit. Yes, you can exchange it for another size but a delayed present just isn't the same.
3. Anything blatantly re-gifted
(Innovative choice of gift wrapping or more ammunition against your cheapskate friend?)
The jig is up. This present was not bought with me in mind, I know this because it's been monogrammed and they are definitely not my initials. Leave with your tail between your legs and we shall never speak of this again.
2. The questionable gift
(Definitely a to-do for the new year)
Was this a panic buy? That's a rhetorical question, because the considerable price tag leads me to believe that this gift was founded upon a great deal of fear. Speaking of 'great deals' this most definitely was not one. Not to seem ungrateful and all but I can't shake the feelings that a weekend away might have been more enriching than this computerised electronic toothbrush. You are undoubtably a salesman's dream.
1. A lump of coal
(The feared gift of naughty children all over the world)
The threat of this loomed over me throughout my childhood, not that I was a bad child or anything, I was just incredibly gullible and believed every line my parent's fed me. In a lot of ways I was the ideal child. Just the other day my mum spun me a tale about having a 'catch up' with my gran's 'good friend' in the middle of a jewellers; only for me to later find out that she was conspiring with this woman to purchase a pair of earrings I'd previously been eyeing. The gift bag she walked away with should have tipped me off as should the setting of this little rendezvous. Ah well, one day I'll learn. For anyone unlucky enough to have actually received a lump of coal however, consider it a rustic paper weight.
So look upon your unwanted gifts with new feeling, or perhaps with an enlightened sense of humour. And remember, Christmas is all about giving, as in giving advice ready for next year's gift ideas.
(Images via: glossier.com, oraclefox.com , manrepeller.com, usmagazine.com, pinterest)
(None of the above images are my own and I do not claim created over any of them)
