In spite of what the title might lead you to believe, no this is not about a pregnancy scare.
You can breathe mum.
If you ask anyone who knows me, even just remotely so, they're probably (definitely) more than likely to state my worst quality as my time keeping, or lack there of. I've thought about this and in the grand scheme of things an aversion to being on time isn't that bad. I mean it's not like I have a drug problem or interrupt people mid-sentence, or steal food off your plate or count joy-riding as one of my recreational pleasures. Time just escapes me.
I suffer with procrastination, but I swear it's accidental. I have every intention of sticking to schedule but important things like picking at split ends, shiny things, half remembered song lyrics, an overwhelming need to fold my socks and an occasional tendency to nod off, just get in the way. It's all totally beyond my control.
My life is one mad dash and has been so ever since I can remember. One too many stumbles past being on time. It's not a lifestyle choice, it's an affliction. Usually I bumble through, but the amount of near misses (by near misses I mean friends cursing me and proceeding to leave me alone forever) I've had when it comes to the charade of being ready on time, is too many to count and far too many I'd like to admit to.
So how does one self confessed fashion obsessive manage to get dressed in the short amount of time she allows herself I hear you cry? I won't lie it's sporadic, emotional and if you insist on entering the room mid operation then goggles are a necessity. Now with all that in mind, I welcome you into my room as I prepare to get ready, and yes I'm running late.
As the proverbial white rabbit dashing through my own disorganised wonderland, I will give you my three, 'fuck I'm so late' saviour outfits.
No. 1
It's all about distraction. I'm late for drinks with the girls. With alcohol being thrown into the mix I must tread carefully, they will either be merry and none the wiser or ready and waiting. The only thing to do is to utterly blind them. For newbies this can be quite tricky as there is a definite science behind this. So listen up, the vibrancy of your outfit is in direct correlation to how late you are. For every fifteen minutes you keep them waiting, add another brash pattern or bold colour into the mix. In instances of extreme tardiness, it may be necessary for fashion to be forfeited for the sake of prolonged friendship. Yep, it's time to bust out that hidden feather boa, or those psychedelic tights, or even that sequinned leotard or in the worst of cases, all of the above, to insure a welcome of complete dumbfounded-ness. Either that or they'll think you've had a complete breakdown and take pity on you. It's win win really. I also forgot to mention that along with fashion credibility you will also forfeit any prospects of pulling. Ah well, you can't have it all.
The trousers are from Tesco (I know shock!), I love them coz they remind me of my mum's chinaware. The jacket is ASOS, I don't think an explanation is needed for this one, I mean just look at it > B-E-OO-TIFUL. Aztec/tribal blouse from River Island. Heels from H&M. Sorry no feather boa, it's currently at the laundrette.
No. 2
It's Friday night, you're all snuggled up and ready to watch whatever guilty pleasure takes your fancy. You're just about to devour that entire bag of chocolate buttons when your phone vibrants. It's the boyfriend, he'll be over in ten. SHIT! Friday night is Date Night! How could you forget?!! This calls for the good ol' favourites outfit AKA the grab and run. Everyone should have a fallback outfit, one that makes them feel utterly radiant from within. The kind of outfit that needn't be checked in the mirror. A case of fling it on and get out the door. Do not however, fall into the trap of having only one of these life saving outfits. You do not have time to discover that said outfit is currently in the wash. Therefore the first rule is to always, always have fallbacks - plural. Anything with time consuming buttons or fussy straps is a no, corsets are off the menu, regardless of how great they make your cleavage look. My go to look is pretty much always a variation of jeans, a lived in looking tee and my most fabulous pair of shoes - (you're probably going to spend a long time staring down at them whilst grovelling to your boyfriend for the *slight* delay, so this is a must). I would definitely say that jewellery is mandatory in elevating this outfit from blah to brill. I usually swoop the entire contents of my jewellery box into my bag and run. Fussing with clasps and clips can be done en route.
No. 3
I'm a princess, riding a unicorn, while eating clouds and fairy dust - OH SHIT! No I'm not, I'm asleep and twenty minutes late already. Cue the improvised outfit. This is really only for extreme cases. Look down at yourself. Is your t-shirt/blouse/top clean? If so read on. Are you wearing leggings? If yes then please remove them immediately and grab whatever bottoms are closest to hand and wriggle them on, now. Shake hair, add red lipstick and run. Heels are preferred but gaining access to any is solely dependent on time. Anything goes, apart from flip-flops, please take the time to remove them. Alcohol is pretty essential for this look, think of it as an added accessory. Seriously, it'll make you feel like your outfit is da bomb - not that I'm condoning alcoholism or anything…
I have no outfit for this one because I'm currently wearing a dressing gown so if this wasn't a drill I would be effectively screwed and a mandatory 'I'm sick' phone call would be my only port of call.
Good luck fellow time wasters! Thinking of how you're all getting on with my advice will now be added to the top of my list of 'things to procrastinate over'. Now go forth and live out a watch-free life.
P.S If in doubt just think…
(Photo: Cheap Friday)
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