SO YOU WANNA BE COOL?

So the April issue of Nylon magazine just came into my possession. Alas a month late but as the old saying goes, better late than never. And as my affinity with Nylon grows ever stronger so does my rather pedantic fondness for considering and then reconsidering the front cover.

(Never Fear I'm Here To Help)

Arguably the front cover of any magazine is the most important page, I mean granted you've got to have the quality of content to back up what the magazine is boldly putting out there, but it's those statement headlines and snappy one-liners that entice us in.

I mean you get those magazines that make their money purely on their ability to string a good pun together, or make an  unbelievable story that sounds so ridiculous, it might just be true - because you know, people are crazy - so you just have to read it even if it's just for the satisfaction of proclaiming, "I KNEW IT!" E.g 'I Married My Dog'. Turns out the lady in question was the presiding minister at the wedding of her pooch to some other little doggie. Yes, the truth of this story really is strange enough but slightly less bizarre than being led to believe that she was bound in some romantic relationship with her pet dog.

(Cool Thing No.1: Laughter/Fun)

When my mind needs a snooze that's the kinda thing I like to deaden it further with - although one of my lecturers once asked why we choose to switch our minds off at all? He saw it as a complete waste of our potential to absorb all the vast amounts of information surrounding us. However, I would argue that if I hadn't switched off, I'd have never had that little anecdote about the pet marrying woman, leaving this post void of any quippy material to really add panache. I mean wouldn't you agree?

So leaving my old lecturer to eat my dust or shorts or whatever, I'm back in the room. Staring at my Nylon magazine, with Sienna Miller smiling back at me like she's just found out the secret behind Anna Wintour's non-moving bob. Under her name, that's emblazoned front and centre, reads: 'on how to stay cool forever' and then slightly lower down it smugly asserts: 'The It List'.

Now correct me if I'm wrong but I thought Nylon was all about people-power, doing it for yourself and overlooking the norm in favour of what's interesting. So how then can they try to eternalise something as undefinable as 'being cool' and then compile it into an 'it' list, again a term so vague as to seem completely ineffable.

(Cool Thing No.2: Your Friends)

I've often thought about what it is to actually be cool and I've always come up with the same realisation: I am definitely not cool. I typed 'cool' into the dictionary and some stuff about temperature came up (I'm always freezing, skating way past moderately cold (i.e. cool) to chattering bones - it allows me to wear more fabulous clothing at once so I'm not complaining). The next hit was 'permitting such a sensation' - again I'm not so sure I resonate even the slightest whiff let alone the sensation of being cool! - and then finally it read, 'being composed', I mean LOL. For anyone that knows me I'm either a bag of nerves or jittery with excitement, the only time I've ever been close to composure was as a severely drunk teen and I think that was more comatose than anything else.

I followed up my research with a quick google search and as with most online investigations, I ended up on wikipedia. The first thing I discovered was that 'cool' is an ever-changing concept and is widely varied. Great. That's exactly what I already knew. However, it did go on to mention the roots of 'cool' as being an aesthetic of attitude that deviated from conventionality. As social ideology continues to change and boundaries are pushed and challenged how can this ever-fluctuating concept ever be taught and what's more how can Nylon promote this most elusive of ideals as something available to latch on to forever?

(Cool Thing No.3: Creativity) 

It's strange really, everybody goes through that gangly, awkward phase of feeling different and that yearning to just be 'normal' -  because being like everybody else obviously makes you cool. To be cool was(/is) to follow the crowd. However, in hindsight and with my newfound wiki knowledge, if being 'cool' is a rebellion against fixed expectation then it's also an embracement of individual self, so to follow the crowd is quite ironically the epitome of what is 'uncool'. Unfortunately this is only something you learn after those painful years of chasing what is ultimately a fictional dream.

However, with the constant bombardment of 'It' lists here and 'It' people there, it's like the childhood trauma is yet to plague our adult lives too. You want to be successful and be photographed and party 24/7? Then copy what these 'cool' celebs do and you soon could be crowned the next 'It' girl. I mean what a vague, non-meaning term! What the hell is 'It' anyway? If someone just started referring to me as it I'd have a hard time not being offended. Number one, I have a name. Number two, I'm far more complicated than a two letter word and number three aren't sex and other uncomfortable and embarrassing things that one doesn't particularly like to mention in public or around your grandmother, also referred to as it? (And as a side note: Cousin It already coined the name and frankly he owns the title so why steal that from him?)

(Cool Thing No.4: Dancing for no reason) 

As I leisurely strolled out of Tesco yesterday I tried to save a small child's play dough ball from rolling away. Instead I stood on it. 

A few days ago I accidentally referred to the most darling little girl as a little boy. 

I frequently mis-understand things, say the wrong things, walk into things. 

Does that make me uncool? Quite possibly, I guess it depends whose 'cool' barrometer you're going by…

(Cool Thing No.5: Shoes - although these are borderline necessity  over mere 'cool' thing)

After having a week of too many potential disasters and total cringe worthy moments, I declared to my cool sister, just how uncool I really was. Her response kinda shocked me. Most of my toe-curling moments she'd actually lived through herself and what I found most enlightening was how she reminded me that much of today's successful TV programmes are based on the 'quirky' girl (i.e. New Girl, The Mindy Project). I guess the concept of being 'cool' is a vague idea based purely on the 'grass is always greener theory'. One day's epic fail is another day's funny anecdote.

Some things seem to be perpetually 'cool' - the breton stripe, Audrey Hepburn, burping the alphabet… - but actually compiling that list was really quite difficult as most things really don't stay 'cool' for long, merely a phase, transitional like the 'It' bag or the 'It' girl. What gives real longevity is the ability to embrace the kinks in life - and somewhat more challengingly - in yourself.

(Cool Thing No.6: Love)

Either that or it's genetic and my sister and I are doomed to a life of un-abashed 'uncool-ness'. As a self-professed girl of 'un-cool' nature I choose to embrace it.

It's doubtful that the writers and makers of Nylon thought much about labelling a bonafide celeb 'cool' or about composing an 'It' list full of other celebs, but it's this flippant use of such loaded terms and labels that causes so many to crumble under the weight of expectation. Why aspire to something as far removed from reality as this packaged ideal of 'cool' when true coolness is completely innate?

Please ponder this while I move on to my next conundrum: how does one banish VPL when wearing leggings to the gym? Ahh the saga continues. Now that is uncool.

(Cool Thing No.7: Self-Acceptance)

(None of the above photos are my own and I do not claim credit for any of them. If you know the origin then please email me and I'll rectify it)